Bamber Bridge 8 (eight) – 0 Turton Vets
The elder statesmen of Brig continued their march towards Veteran’s Cup glory on Friday night, demolishing Turton Vets 8-0 at the ‘Cathedral of Football’ that is Bamber Bridge Leisure Centre.
Word had obviously got round about the quality entertainment on offer from the Vets and a reasonable crowd had gathered around “pitch 2” in anticipation of the big quarter final tie, including a significant travelling contingent from Turton.
Prior to kick off however it did look like the match could be in doubt. Not due to the cold weather and the pitch, but due to balls!
Despite the Vets manager Chris Singleton turning up with enough balls to stock a Sports Direct, it appeared that they were all flat!
After a lot of frantic running around trying to locate a pump, at least one ball was declared “match fit” by the very fussy divas of the Brig Vets.
If “ballgate” wasn’t enough, there was a further delay when Brig debutant Nathan Pond realised he was still wearing his smart watch. He claimed it was a genuine mistake, but if changing room rumours are to be believed, he was actually bidding on an air fryer on eBay and the auction was due to end in the middle of the first half.
With the watch removed (and presumably an automated bid added to the air fryer), the game finally got underway.
It didn’t take long for Brig to make their mark. On just 3 minutes, Jamie Nay bounced down the wing as fast as his tangerine legs would carry him and fired Brig into the lead. Unfortunately, due to the lack of VAR we are unable to confirm if it was his boot or his shin which was responsible.
Brig doubled their lead on seven minutes. The team’s resident fashionista Leonaldino Reid showing he’s as stylish on the pitch as off it with a superb strike.
Despite taking a 2-0 lead, the diva-ish behaviour seen before kick off continued and the ball was swapped at least 3 times before the moaning stopped from the Brig Vets!
With an “acceptable” ball finally in play, the lads settled in their rhythm and started to control the game.
It’s perhaps a good job there wasn’t much action in the Brig half of the field. Following the late arrival of “very experienced” (1 game) Brig liner, JT, Jon Bolton had been drafted in to run the line from the Brig squad. Every time he set off with the flag it looked like he was trying to flag down a 113 bus on Brindle Road. It’s a good job Withy Grove Park isn’t on the flight path for Manchester Airport, otherwise with a frantic offside call, it could have ended up with a 737 landing next to the kids roundabout!
Despite their age and varying levels of fitness, Brig continued to push forward and scored another two goals in quick succession. Tom Ince showing his class and getting his first of the night on 31 minutes, followed by a beauty from the King of Brig himself Chris “GOOSE” Marlow on 34 minutes.
With the seconds counting down to half time, the Eagle landed. Simon “The Bald Eagle” Carey swooped in and made it 5 for the home side. Chants of “there’s only one Simon Carey” erupted on the touchline - Simon’s young fans (The Eaglets) having stayed behind after their training session on Pitch 1 to watch their hero in action. Either that, or he was giving them a lift home.
Half time, The Vets 5 (five), Turton 0
Word had obviously got out about the stellar first half performance and the Brig spectator numbers swelled (by 3).
With such huge half time lead, combined with the age profile of the players, the three new arrivals didn’t fancy their chances of seeing any more goals.
However, never ones to waste the opportunity to show off in front of actual spectators who are there of their own free will, rather than through family obligation, the Vets turned on the style once again.
On 56 minutes The Goose slotted home his second of the evening and Brig’s 6th.
A 7th followed just 3 minutes later with Tom Ince bagging his second of the evening. There was a slight case of mistaken identity amongst the late arrival spectators, who initially identified the scorer as Mitch Newsham, who wasn’t in the squad, or even anywhere near the leisure centre! Fortunately this was corrected and credited to Ince.
Ince and Goose finished the night in style. Goose ran the full length of the pitch and placed a perfect pass to Ince (or possibly Mitch) allowing him to bag his hattrick and Brig’s 8th of the night.
After the game we caught up with one of the mystery Brig spectators to get their view on the game:
“Well, we only decided to come down at half time as there was nothing on the TV. Once we got there and realised how cold it was, we thought we’d made a big mistake. However, just one glimpse of the classic Cleggy shoulder drop and we knew we’d made the right choice. It was also good to see Crowey still class in midfield. It gives us all something to aim for when we reach his age”
The wifi has obviously been sorted in Grand Cayman, and the Chairman also gave us a call over the weekend to share his views on the events of Friday.
“Well yes, I’m absolutely delighted with the result. I understand it was an excellent performance by the lads. If they carry on like this, I might have to enter them in some European competitions, or at least see if we can get to a tournament on the Isle of Man.
“I understand Nathan Pond had a decent debut, however I am going to have to have word with Singy about his player contracting arrangements. He assured me he’d got Pondy on an exclusive contract, so how come on Saturday when I was on Twitter, or Z or whatever it’s called, I saw the Brig 1st team manager talking about him returning to their side? I’m not having him playing for them on a Saturday just because he fancies a bit of a run around, or needs to get his steps in. We’ve got a semi-final coming up and all the players need to be fully focussed on that!
“Speaking of “Young Christopher” I also need a word with him about that fiasco with the balls. Having a fancy car that has run-flats is no excuse for not having a pump about your person at all times! Was he never in the Brownies? You should be prepared for all eventualities, especially getting a flat tyre on your Raleigh Burner or your balls getting deflated!”
The reward for Friday’s impressive performance is home draw in the semi-final. The Vets will face Fylde Coast Soccer at the Bamber Bridge Sports Hub (Leisure Centre) on Friday 16 February (K.O 7:15pm)
Scores On The Doors - by our anonymous assessor
Dave Rogerson - 8
Quiet night for Dave but made a couple of great saves when needed.
Jamie Nay - 8
Much improved, even tracked back from time to time
Great cross he put in for his goal. Full of energy in the first half - like a little tangerine space hopper.
Jimmy King - 8
Great outlet all game, solid shift
Craig Banks - 7
When he wasn’t moaning about his calf he did well. Handled the big striker comfortably
Phil Doughty - 8
The rolls Royce never got out of 3rd gear. Always smells good too.
Paul McKenna - 8
Lovely link up play with the forwards, sat in and dictated
Nathan Pond - 8
Like a young Carlton Palmer (but with a smart watch and possibly an air fryer)
Tom Ince - 9
Played in the hole, a good quality performance from the little man. Hat trick hero.
Looks nothing like Mitch Newsham!
Leonaldinio Reid - 9
Man of the match.
Great strike for goal, a constant threat all night and super stylish
Chris Marlow - 8
Ran all night, always a threat and helped himself to a couple of goals.
Simon Carey - 7
Poachers goal and worked hard. But Simon wouldn’t be Simon without missing a sitter!
Neil Crowe - 7
Rolled back the years, didn’t give the ball away. Nice and tidy, especially for a grandad!
Chris McKenzie - 7
Industrious as ever
Jon Bolton - 7
Our very own Phil Neville/Mr utility man.
The man you need if you need to flag down a bus or hail a cab!
James Clegg - 8
Dependable as ever
That drop of a shoulder and turn inside never gets old
John Turner - 7
Busy little performance from JT
One game he might arrive on time
*All Vets match reports are a parody. Some events have been embellished for entertainment purposes, however to the best of our knowledge. scores are correct.
