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Lostock St Gerard’s 2
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3 Bamber Bridge Vets
Mackenzie (), Steel (,)
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Lostock St Gerard's Vets 2 - 3 Bamber Bridge Vets

It was back to league action for the elder statesmen of Brig last Friday and they made the short trip up Withy Trees Avenue to face local rivals Lostock St Gerard's Vets at Bamber Bridge Leisure Centre.

Despite the short travelling distance, there were a couple of noticeable absences from the Brig side - more on that later.

Going in to the game, confidence was high in the Brig camp. Some key signings over the summer, combined with a 6-0 victory in the LFA Vets County Cup last time out, had manager Singy thinking it would be a comfortable ride for his lads.

Initially it looked like the confidence was translating well on the newly laid leisure centre astroturf, the Vets taking the lead through Brig stalwart Glenn Steel.  This however was short-lived, and a Daz Green brace saw Gerard's heading in to the break 2-1 in the lead.

Words were had at half time, and the lads rallied. 

A cracker from Chris Mackenzie saw the Vets draw level at 2-2.

Victory was in sight when the Vets were awarded a penalty. Already basking in the glory of his opening goal and his new found love of the front half of the field, Brig's answer to Dion Dublin, Glenn Steel stepped up.......and missed!

Shortly afterwards Steel redeemed himself, slotting his second to seal a 3-2 victory for the Vets.

After the game, our reporter managed to get hold of the Vet's elusive chairman at his "holiday home" (static caravan) in Grand Cayman, to get his thoughts on the big local derby.  We think this is what he said; the line is always dodgy when we ring him.

"Well, yes, I'm still "on holiday"' in Grand Cayman on the advice of my accountant, but the lads set up that fancy camera thing for me so I could watch a live stream of the game.

I must say, I didn't recognise a few of the lads. That had me worried! I run a tight ship finance wise and I was suspicious that Mr Singleton had been running amok with transfers and signing players without my sign off, taking advantage of the fact I've extended my holiday.

I managed to get a reasonable phone signal after the game, and got hold of young Christopher to check what he'd been up to bringing in new faces without my knowledge.  He assured me that although some of the faces were new, they were attached to old bodies!

One of the lads' partners has decided on a mid-life career change, and is training to do botox and "tweakments" and a few of the lads had taken advantage of the fact she needed models to practise on.  I must say I was surprised, I know her, and a mid-life switch to the beauty industry seemed a big change from what she used to do.  Apparently, as a kid, she left her 'Girls World' a bit too close to the 3 bar electric fire and the face melted, but she made a good job of moulding it back in to place and thought that those skills could be transferable to the world of beauty "tweakments".  It may have been the quality of the livestream, but I'd say perhaps not!

Anyway, all's well that ends well, it was close, but the lads delivered me another victory.  Carry on like this, and Disney will be ringing to make a documentary about us."

All vets match reports are a parody.  Scores and goalscorers are correct to the best of our knowledge, but events detailed in the match report are embellished for entertainment purposes.

Player Ratings (by our anonymous assessor)
Sponsored for the 23/24 season by Ross Bain

Dave Rogerson - 7
Got a handful of games under his belt now and turning in to Mr Reliable. A great signing by the gaffer

Jamie Nay - 7
Reasonable shift from our resident tangerine

James Clegg - 6
Lost a mark for giving a penalty away (no VAR but it was never a pen!)

Craig Banks - 8
Solid as you like. Headed it further than he can kick it

Phil Doughty - 7
The Vets own Rolls Royce.  Tweaked his groin early doors but had enough in him to complete an hour to see the lads through.

Martin Holliday - 7
Been a very good signing so far, nice in possession and is a friend to Jamie Nay as they both have League 1 in common.

Tommy Spurr - 9
Like a young Franz Beckenbauer, didn’t put a foot wrong all night. He even found a big di-ag in his locker. Never did that at North End

Ali Waddecar - 7
A quiet night for Ali by his standards, but his constant running and chopping.  Always a nuisance.

Jimmy King  - 7
Another one with a quiet night on his recent form, always an outlet though

Chris 'GOOOOOOSE' Marlow - 8
Had an eye test earlier in the day so practically played with 1 eye. Relentless, imagine if both pupils were working

Chris Mckenzie - 7
Scored a cracker to level up to 2-2. Job done!

Glenn Steel - 7
Lost a mark for missing a pen.
Enjoyed life upfront and was a right handful, made up for his miss with a brace, one being the winner

Jon Bolton - 7
Steady shift at RB second half

Tom Ince - 6
Worst he’s been. Turned up at HT, played 10 mins then came off feeling sick. We’ll let him off….this time

Notable absences:
Neil Crowe and Simon 'Bald Eagle' Carey.

The two of them were seen arriving at the Leisure Centre in the Carey Events van, but neither showed up in the dressing room. Unconfirmed reports are that they took a wrong turning at the main entrance and found themselves doing 'Over 50s Aqua Zumba'.  

Published Sunday 22nd October 2023