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Kingstonian 2
Parchment (44'), Cadogan (74')
0 Folkestone Invicta
Yalda demands answers from a reticent Kacey.

Folkestone Invicta day report

report by Yalda Khan-Lay

I was promised a soft-play session at Cheeky Chimps, Imperial Fields, Mitcham. A flyer was thrust into my hand: it showed balloons, monkeys on slides, cake. I was told it was worth the journey. Considering the proposal, I both demanded, and was bribed by, a gelatinous banana snack treat. Two hours later, i found myself on a means of transportation which i loudly and correctly called a "choo choo train" but which i kept being told was something entirely different known as a "tram". No one has properly explained and Thomas the Tank Engine isn't answering my calls. We cruised serenely though south London until we reached a large leisure complex. A man introduced to me as "K's saviour Jimmy Cochrane" leaned down and gave me a shiny £1 coin. This was promptly stolen from my grasp and given to a woman saying "50/50!" over and over. Increasingly confused, i looked up at my father and said "why?" Whatever this strange activity was, it wasn't Cheeky Chimps. After ascending a magical lift from the bowels of the municipal stadium, we passed through double-doors and emerged into a scene of childish screams, flying balls and people running around and falling over for no apparent reason. But this still wasn't Cheeky Chimps...

I'd been sold a lie. My pram had been steered relentlessly towards a game of football. Playing dumb, I kicked out to indicate a desire to walk. As soon as i was unstrapped, i made a dash back in search of Cheeky Chimps - a picture of a monkey and an arrow seemed as good a bet as any -  but was swiftly confronted by a giant bear dressed in a red and white hooped shirt. "This is Kacey". I liked her, could see she distrusted the men as much as i did, but she had no answers on the soft play. Just as I turned for the corridor, i was deposited back in my pram and wheeled out and round to a set of bleak concrete steps. Nothing soft here. And no play. Fifteen men standing. Now there was just one ball, being kicked and headed on a grass field. Sometimes it approached a net.

At one point a ball was kicked very far and hard, over a wall constructed of adults, into the corner of the net. A man with gloves fell onto the ground. People shouted "goal!". Baba looked excited. Uncle Ali said "Corey Parchment! Not just good on paper!" There was groaning. Up to my right, I could see Kacey sitting down, her head lolling backwards, gazing towards the sun. I too longed for a nap.

Parchment curls a superb free-kick to open the scoring.

Then everyone disappeared "for a break". How long did this go on for? I climbed up and down the concrete steps searching for leaves and sticks. I tried to put a discarded motorcycle helmet on my head. Music was coming from somewhere but they didn't play the Moomin theme song.

Then my father said: "Right, we need to leave early and get the tram". "Choo choo!" i replied. "Tram", he said. "Choo choo!", i replied again. People waved. I waved back. Kacey remained unmoved.

As the choo choo drove us on, I fed myself segments of clementine and threw socks at other passengers. Baba looked at his phone. Then his face lit up. "Kieron Cadogan has made it two in the 74th minute! Three points to K's! I told you today would be worth it!"

I didn't really understand. I pondered Cheeky Chimps and the concept of play. And i thought about Kacey and why, as we happily left early, so many people seemed sad to be staying.

Stats from the game...

Kingstonian: Sam Jackson, Dwight Pascal, Corey Parchment, Jack Strange, Michael Abnett, Tyrese Owen, Lee Lewis, Kenny Beaney, Kieron Cadogan, Nodirbek Bobomurodov, Sean Bonnett-Johnson.

Subs: Kwesi Ntim (for Lee Lewis, 89m), Iker Noguera Leon, Isaiah Jones (for Nodirbek Bobomurodov, 73m), Lee O'Leary, Rob Tolfrey.

Folkestone Invicta: Bailey Vose, Josh Vincent, Nathan Green, Robbie Dolan, Matt Newman, James Rogers, Scott Heard, Ronnie Dolan, Ira Jackson, Adam Yusuff, Kadell Daniel.

Subs: Ibrahim Olutade (for Robbie Dolan, 68m), Ian Draycott (for Josh Vincent, 8m), Lenny Atherton, Micheal Everitt, Connor Collins.

Red card: Ade Yusuff (90+1m, foul)

Goal scorers: Corey Parchment (44m, 1-0), Kieron Cadogan (74m, 2-0)

Attendance: 237

Published Sunday 30th October 2022