Kingstonian FC

“Oi oi, Gaz. Where you been? It’s 6pm on a Saturday night and you’ve only just got here. You’re normally 3 jaegerbombs down by now…”
“Been at the Grove watching Ks ain’t I, Phil.”
“Ks? That’s not normally you’re scene, you’re more of a Streatham Rovers guy.”
“I wasn’t there for Ks, mate. That legend Jimmy Bullard is Leatherhead’s manager. I just went for a taste of that sweet Bullard banter.”
“Bullard? LEGEND! Remember that time he jumped on those guys? Or the time he pointed at those people like Phil Brown? LEGEND. How was it?”
“To be honest, not that funny. Kingstonian had this wannabe-Bullard in midfield; you know - long hair, plays with a smile, Lewis Taylor he’s called; he put a free kick right in the postage stamp early doors and it put a bit of a downer on the whole things.”
“Top bins? Tekkers!”
“Exactly. Bullard-esque. Except, well, he didn’t like it. In fact, his team of mugs could barely keep the ball.”
“Did he not like that…?”
“He did not, neither did the ball he smashed into the crowd and… oh mate.”
“What?”
“Mate.”
“Yes, mate.”
“Mate.”
“…”
“You know in Only Fools and Horses when Del Boy falls through the bar?”
“hahahahahahahahahahahahah yeah. Hahahahahha love that mate. Hahahah funniest thing ever.”
“hahahahah yeah it is isn’t it. Because….
[in unision] “TRIGGER PULLS A FACE”
“Exactly. Well, mate. I saw something funnier than Del Boy falling through the bar.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Mate. Bullard, he’s there in his skinny jeans and designer coat. He kicks the ball AND FALLS OVER. RIGHT ONTO HIS BUM AND GETS MUD ON HIS DOLCE AND GABANA. Oh mate.”
“MATE!”
“Exactly mate. Great banter. Everyone loved it.”
“Did anyone pull a face?”
“We ALL pulled a face.”
“What else? It end 1-0?”
“Nah mate. Was all pretty quiet for a while, few chances here and there… and then… well mate it was like a night out in Chasers. Action flying in from everywhere. Four goals in eight minutes. Scenes, mate. SCENES.”
“SCENES!”
“Some nippy Ks winger put them two up, took it round the keeper like a lad, but a minute later, Leatherhead go up the other end, BOSH, volley it in, don’t they? Jimmy loved it, legend.”
“Legend.”
“Ks got right back at it. Cross. Header. Goal. Morph suits. Matching t-shirts. Bundle. Absolute set of lads back there. Like a non-league stag do.”
“ OI OI! Bet Bullard loved ‘em.”
“He was too busy kicking off, mate.”
“What about?”
“Dunno.”
“Oh.”
“Well anyway, Leatherhead got another one, but it didn’t matter. They lost.”
“Maybe Bullard should have done the team talk on the pitch at half time.”
“Ha. Yeah. Legend.”
“Legend. “

Match report by Jamie Cutteridge.