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Brentwood Town 0
0 Kingstonian

K's Frustrated at the Brentwood Arena

Lockie: It's all kicking off!

Diags: Where?! Let's take 'em!

Lockie: Mate, I mean the game!

Diags: What game?

Lockie: You mug, it's Brentwood against... er, “Kingstonian”? They sound like wrong 'uns...

Dan: Says here they just won the "Turvey" ...

Amy: What's a Turvey?! I'm not being funny yeah but...

Dan: Lockie, what we doing here? I’m not even joking but I ain't even been to The Brentwood Arena.

Amy: Me neither. You sure it's in Brentwood? We had to walk for 30 minutes!

Chloe: Mate, it's proper strange. They've got Sugar Hut on their shirts and everything! I think it's well reem. Go on Brentwood!

Lockie: Oi oi saveloy! This is going to get messy!

Bobby: Yawn. Football! This lot can chip off as far as I'm concerned. There ain't any talent on or off this pitch, if you get what i'm sayin'...

Georgia: Don't go Bobby! You goin' Faces?

Bobby: No way, see you later, gotta get a tan, babes.

Dan: Wait, i'll come wiv ya. I’m seeing my bit of fluff in town.

Lewis: Nice one Bruva!

Amy: Oi, what's the score anyways?

Lockie: 0-0 babes.

Amy: This is bleak as.

Lockie: I proper rate that bar though. £2.50 a pint. Let's get them in! Ames, what you having?

Amy: Prada Martini?

Lockie: They ain't gonna have it, babes.

Amy: Ok, er, a Gucci Princess?

Lockie: Done.

Lewis: Mate, grab us a pint un’all....

Eliott: Something just happened! Oh, wait. No, nothing's happened.

Amy: Oi, what's the score anyways?

Lockie: Still 0-0 babes.

Chloe: But like how long is this?

Lockie: 90 minutes.

Chloe: That is bleak as.

Amy: Why's the ball thingy up the other end all the time?

Lockie: Cos, at the end of the day, this Kingstonian lot are making Brentwood's defence look like right muppets! Come on, boys! Let's 'ave it!

Chloe: That Pico's a right sort!

Georgia: Shuuuut uuuup!

Lockie: Oi, ref, foul!

Georgia: I haven't seen this much ag since Arg cheated on Lydia.

Amy: Oi, what's the score anyways?

Lockie: It's finished 0-0 babes!

Amy: Oh that is bleak as.

Lockie: But some bloke just told me Brentwood will still probably stay up cos of something called an “inevitable Ryman league administrative reprieve”.

Amy: Oh that is bleak as....

A very special match account by Taimour Lay.

Published Wednesday 12th September 2018